When it feels as if nothing feels like anything or that everything is disgusting and hurts… it is easy to sink into a state where you simply want to stop being.
When I was younger, I couldn't stand that state at all. I'd be self-destructive in my thoughts and my actions. It felt natural. My apartment would look like the aftermath of a tornado, and my head would be a mess. I suffered from dissociative symptoms and from an unstable mind. My actions would be made based on my impulsions and the consequences would be heavy. I drank alcohol periodically for my loneliness and for the heavy memories and traumas deep in my mind.
Why bother when nothing feels like anything?
I am now 26 years old. I have struggled with mental health problems for about as long as I can recall. Only at about 20 years old, I started to learn why everything feels terrible. Why my apartment was uninhabitable. How it doesn't need to be like that, and that I am stronger than I thought.
I started more actively taking care of my affairs, learning to tolerate my anxiety, as well as other aids to keeping up my mental welfare.
I also understood how to conserve my energy, so that I could manage at least a little longer, before needing hospitalization again. I wouldn't say it was easy, it was the opposite, really. As time went on, I realized that the results of this change were bigger and more utopist than I could have ever believed.
It felt good to begin to find myself and how my mental health functions. It was incredible how I started to recognize the warning signs, for example, before attacks of disconnection. How I could release energy, before I would be frustrated to the point of breaking apart.
I made new friends, real friends. My family has finally started to feel like a natural part of my life. I am in a relationship in which my partner is authentic with me, and loves and respects the way I am.
Of course, I'm still not fully recovered, but I'm on my way to being whole. I am not alone, though sometimes loneliness can even make me cry. Pain is something I cannot get rid of, but it doesn't always feel pointless and constant. My symptoms aren't gone, but they have eased. My self-destructiveness are just thoughts I can shake off my mind.
If there is something I want to say about my life, it's that it hasn't been or it isn't easy. But I am genuine with myself, and I know who I am and what I want.
I hope that the people who can relate with the beginning of my text can feel that matters can change and that you don't have to be alone with feeling bad. Be brave, you may even surprise yourself.