Narvamus

Your Boundaries – Your Rules: What Assertiveness Teaches Us

Illustration - Julia Dem

Each of us has faced situations where saying "no" or expressing our opinions felt difficult. A friend invites you to an event you don’t want to attend, but refusing might seem rude. Someone leaves an inappropriate comment on your social media post, yet responding directly feels awkward. In these moments, we often hesitate between silence and an outburst of anger. But there is another way—assertiveness. This is the skill of confidently stating your needs and protecting your boundaries without aggression or losing composure.
We spoke with Kateryna Popkova, a WenDo trainer specializing in feminist self-defense and assertiveness, who helps women build confidence, recognize their strength, and protect their boundaries. How is assertiveness related to self-defense, and why is this skill so crucial? Let’s explore.

What Is Assertiveness and Why Does It Matter?

Assertiveness is the ability to defend your boundaries without violating the boundaries of others. It is a skill that allows people to build healthy relationships, communicate without manipulation or the need to please, and express their emotions and needs clearly and confidently. Unlike aggression, assertive behavior does not involve violating the boundaries of others but instead helps individuals establish and protect their own.
Imagine this scenario: you post something important on social media—your views or a personal experience. Suddenly, aggressive or dismissive comments appear. A non-assertive person might stay silent, delete the comments, but continue to dwell on them. An aggressive response would escalate into a heated argument, intensifying the conflict. However, an assertive approach involves responding calmly and confidently to clarify your stance, and if necessary, limiting access to the discussion to safeguard your emotional well-being.
Assertiveness is closely linked to psychological resilience—the ability to adapt to challenging situations.
American psychologists Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons, in their book Your Perfect Right, argue that assertive behavior strengthens self-esteem, improves interpersonal relationships, and reduces anxiety.
Psychologist Patricia Jakubowski-Spector highlights in her work that women often face challenges in developing assertiveness due to gender stereotypes. Society expects them to be soft and accommodating, making it harder for them to voice their needs. Her research suggests that developing assertiveness enhances a sense of personal safety and allows women to interact more effectively with others.

WenDo: A Method for Women's Self-Defense

WenDo is a women’s self-defense method developed in Canada over 40 years ago. It focuses not only on physical protection but also on building confidence, recognizing potentially dangerous situations, and responding effectively to ensure safety.
The WenDo method is based on a feminist approach, created by women, for women. It acknowledges their unique experiences, the impact of gender socialization, and the forms of violence they face in society. One of its key principles is that a survivor is never to blame for violence—responsibility always lies with the aggressor. Instead of offering universal solutions, WenDo helps women develop self-trust, recognize boundary violations early, and respond in ways that work best for them.
Assertiveness plays a central role in WenDo, as it empowers women to defend their boundaries with confidence, without fear or aggression.

Kateryna Popkova: How to Defend Your Boundaries Without Violating Others'

Kateryna Popkova helps women and girls build confidence, protect their boundaries, and feel empowered in their daily lives. Her work combines body awareness techniques, psychological strategies, and feminist self-defense principles.
According to a World Health Organization (WHO) report, one in three women worldwide experiences physical or sexual violence at some point in her life, most often by an intimate partner. In Estonia, studies indicate that one in four women has experienced partner violence, and many cases go unreported.
"I was interested in the topic of violence—how we recognize it, since it's not always obvious, and how we can resist it," Kateryna shares about her journey into the WenDo program.
She emphasizes that WenDo does not prescribe a single "correct" way to react but rather helps women understand their boundaries and feel confident in their responses.
One of the key aspects of boundary work is learning to notice and respond as early as possible. Kateryna explains that recognizing early warning signs—before a boundary is fully crossed—allows for calmer, clearer responses with less emotional strain.
"Women are often taught to endure, be polite, think about others, worry about offending someone, or damaging relationships. This becomes a problem, especially in close relationships where boundaries are often violated the most," Kateryna explains. "That’s why it’s crucial to listen to yourself, notice red flags, and find ways to communicate your boundaries early on."
She advises using “I-statements” in communication: saying phrases like "this doesn’t work for me," "let’s find another solution," or "I need time to think about it." The earlier a response occurs, the lower the chance of conflict escalation or unintended boundary violations.

The Role of Community and Support in Building Confidence

Kateryna highlights that solidarity is essential for building confidence.
"It’s important for women to hear different stories, realize they are not alone, and be in a supportive, non-judgmental environment. Being able to share their stories, feel supported, and draw strength not just from within but also from other women—this significantly boosts confidence," she says.
According to her, this sense of solidarity extends into everyday life, leading women to support each other more and actively engage in addressing social issues.
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This material is part of the PERSPECTIVES 2 project – a new label for independent, constructive, and multiperspective journalism. The project is funded by the European Union. The opinions and positions expressed are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of the European Union or the European Education and Culture Executive Agency (EACEA). The European Union and EACEA assume no responsibility for them. Learn more about PERSPECTIVES.
2025-05-14 12:54 Perspectives Mental health EN